Wow… what a crazy past two weeks! I’ve traveled through intense mental turmoil to once again realize the futility of the mind.
Two weeks ago, I ended up connecting with a guy at a bar and having an amazing conversation. After that, he asked me out for Sunday evening. We had an amazing date and I thought there was real potential for a relationship. But the next day, I started to feel insecurity. “Is he going to text me?”
Later, “Why hasn’t he texted me?”
You see… he had acted REALLY INTO me on the date. So into me, in fact, I expected some kind of warm, affectionate text on Monday. But there was nothing. Nothing on Tuesday either. I texted him and we had a rather boring conversation. I felt deflated.
But on Thursday, he texted me and we had a better conversation. Yay! I told him a friend and I were doing Happy Hour for Cinco de Mayo and invited him to join us. He said he would if he had time. I didn’t get my hopes up, so I was really excited when he did join us the next day. Again we had great conversation, great chemistry, and an apparent connection.
He e-mailed me the next morning, but after that: nothing. He had traveled to a convention and had promised to text me ” a ton” from there. But he sent not one text or e-mail. I rationalized that he was busy and was meeting up with lots of friends, so why would he text me? But internally I was starting to panic.
I’ve been trying to come to terms with all this, but haven’t been able to shake this upset feeling. I thought I was bothered by the confusion and the uncertainty. What on earth happened? Why did he act so into me if he wasn’t?
I was having a good self-pitying cry when it hit me that words and actions can be completely meaningless. So how on earth do I know if anything is real? How will I know if a guy really likes me or is just pretending to? A sense of hopelessness overcame me. Am I destined to be endlessly confused?
But then…. HOLY SHIT.
It hit me that I don’t need to understand someone’s words and actions. I KNOW.
All of us have access to a sense I call KNOWING. That’s when you know something without understanding how you know it. You may not even consciously realize you know it. But your heart knows. Your body knows.
Lately, it seems like I’ve been losing a lot of things. But I’ve found all of them through using the sense of KNOWING. That involves allowing the mind to go numb and just seeing where your body leads you. Sometimes I will get a nudge in a certain direction or an image will appear in my mind.
This morning, I couldn’t find my teaching badge and was mentally going through all the places I could have left it. But when I exited the car, I got an urge to check out the passenger seat and found the badge between the seat and the door. My mind had told me to ignore this place because I’d already checked the passenger seat. But something in me KNEW.
And it hit me today: something in me always KNOWS. There is a soft, whispering sense that is always talking to me through feelings, sensations, urges, and images. I don’t always hear it because I am distracted by fear, anticipation, a sense of lack or “needing” something, or after having a glass of wine…
While I was on my date, feeling high, enjoying the attention of this guy and the rush of our great conversations, my KNOWING was trying to tell me something was off. I didn’t even hear it. Though looking back, I felt it… there was a slight edginess in my body and a bit of “doubting” of all this guy’s affectionate actions. (“This is our first date. Why is he holding my hand? I like it… but does he really want to be doing that?)
The past two weeks I have been on a roller coaster of emotions: excitement, fear, elation, joy, annoyance, frustration, sadness, anger, insecurity…
I thought my dark feelings were due to the confusion between his actions on our dates and his lack of communication after dates. I thought it was because of the disappointment that my expectations weren’t met. But today I realized that those “dark feelings” were alerting me to the fact that something wasn’t right. My mind was attached to this idea of “potential” with this guy, but my KNOWING saw that there was something off with his intentions. There was an inconsistency between is intentions and his actions.
A friend of mine once told me, “When you meet “the one”, you will never have to guess his feelings for you.”
She is right. I won’t. Because I will KNOW. Something in me knows when a person is being real with me and when they aren’t. So when this guy said and did affectionate things, my KNOWING said, “He isn’t being real.” I didn’t want to hear it. So I ended up in mental turmoil for a week and a half.
Having realized this, I feel incredibly light, like a burden has been lifted. THIS was my only problem. Not a guy that pretended to be into me… not the disappointment of failed expectations… but the discomfort of clinging to desires and wants when my KNOWING was telling me how things REALLY ARE.
I think this is the reason Life guided me towards this experience. I already knew it, but had forgotten. Back in 2013, I spent a weekend with my then-boyfriend and both my intuition and subconscious KNEW there was something off. (Looking back, it couldn’t have been more obvious.) A few weeks later, he asked if we “could talk” before dinner.” Immediately I got the sense, “He’s going to break up with me!” I talked myself out of it and rationalized why it wasn’t going to happen. But, of course it did.
WE ALWAYS KNOW.
How did I let this KNOWING fade into the background? How do I let thoughts, beliefs, and wishes distort my perception?
Life, I appreciate this reminder. I will pay attention from now on to how I’m FEELING. Am I at peace? Do I feel certain about the intentions of the other person? Or am I nervous, doubting, edgy, insecure? Am I needing to look outside myself for security? (I noticed seeking behaviors intensified over the past week.) Or do I KNOW that things are the way they should be?
Oh… what an incredible gift this KNOWING is. I plan to use it consistently from now on. Of course, accessing KNOWING means committing to looking at all beliefs and feelings and seeing what they have to tell us. We must let go of limiting beliefs that keep us in a state of lack, wanting, and need.
I don’t need to understand! I ALREADY KNOW 🙂